经典幽默故事（一）

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

班和笨驴

　　格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。”
　　一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。
　　后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。

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2007-10-10 10:03

经典幽默故事（二）

Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington Universityin St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said."Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."

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2007-10-11 10:01

抄 袭

　　我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。”

　　“你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。

　　我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。”

Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the StateUniversity of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in acrowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said theelevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as astudent.

When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back,and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get thatdegree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."

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2007-10-12 14:27

美 德

　　获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。

　　最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”

Difference

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,"observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses atCalifornia State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Goodafternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But thegraduate students just write it down."  

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2007-10-13 11:30

区 别

　　“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”

Flunking Math

My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball StateUniversity in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting hissophomore year as a psychology student.

"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college!It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what islearned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be havingthese wonderful experiences!"

"And just what does this mean?" I asked.

"I'm flunking math," he replied.

数学没及格

　　我儿子是印第安那市曼西尔波州立大学的学生，大学一年级就上了系主任的名单。第二年他学心理学，刚几个星期他就给家里打了个电话。

　　“妈妈，”他激动地说：“我找到了如何在大学里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分数，而是具备将学到的知识应用于日常生活的素质。我很幸运地有了这种奇妙的经历。”

　　“你到底是什么意思？”我问道。

　　“我数学没及格。”他回答说。

Potato Punishment

There was a man who went to a restaurant and ordered

some food. After receiving his order, he suddenly called

to his waitress and said, "Please, come here." When the

waitress came, he showed her a potato on his plate and

said, "This potato is very bad." So the waitress picked the

potato up, spanked it, put it back down again and told the

man, "Sir, if this potato makes any more trouble for you

again, just call me."

代罪的马铃薯

　　有一个人到一家餐厅用餐，他点了几道餐点。当他收到餐点后，

他突然呼叫服务生：「请过来一下。」当服务生过来时，他让她看

了盘里的马铃薯，说道：「这个马铃薯很糟糕！」只见那位服务生

拿起马铃薯，重重地打了它一下，然后再把它放回盘子上，说道：

「先生，如果这个马铃薯再找您麻烦，您尽管叫我。」

感觉很有意思，我女儿现在小五，英语水平还可以，我现在在家就要求她用英语复述这些笑话，因为很有趣，女儿学的很快。

The Juror with a Secret

Once there was a juror who told the judge that he didn't
want to be away from his job too long serving on a case
as a juror. So the judge said, "But can't they function
without you at work?" And the man said, "Yes, but I don't
want them to know that!"

陪审员的秘密

有个人告诉法官，他不想为了当某案件的陪审员，

而向公司请假太久。法官问他：「难道你不去上班，

你们公司就没办法运作吗？」那个人回答：

「可以运作，不过我不想让他们知道这一点！」

Who’s on Vacation?

There was a man who was walking to a train station

with two friends at his sides. Because the train was

delayed, the three of them sat down for a cup of

coffee. And then they also drank some alcohol.

After a while they forgot all about the train. So they

drank and talked, and talked and drank. But then

they heard the final announcement that the train

was leaving so the three got up and ran. And the

man who was walking between his two friends had

drunk too much and fell a little behind and couldn’t

catch up. The other two caught the caboose and

went away with the train. Then the man, the one

who had been between his two friends, stopped

there and laughed and laughed again. Everyone

around the man began to look at him and said,

"What are you laughing at? You missed the train,

you know?" And the man said, "Yeah, Yeah, I

know I missed the train, but I’m laughing at my

two friends because they had supposedly just

come to see me off!"

是谁度假？

有一个人由两个朋友一左一右陪伴走去火车站，因为

火车误点，他们就先坐下来喝杯咖啡，然后又喝了

点酒。过了一会儿，他们完全忘了搭火车这回事，

就边聊边 喝，边喝边聊。后来他们听到广播宣布

火车就要开动的最后通告，赶快起身跑过去，

原先走在中间的那个人因为喝多了酒，结果落在

最后面，没有赶上火车，其他二个人则追上车尾，

跳上车走了。落在后面的那个人，也就是原先

走在中间的那个人，却站在那里一直捧腹笑个不停，

大家看着他问：「你笑什么？你没搭上火车，

知道吗？」他回答：「是啊！是啊！我知道自己

没搭上火车，我是在笑那两个朋友，因为他们

只是来送我而已。」

Newspaper Ad

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine
for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for
Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for
sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who
lives with him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he
has received several annoying telephone calls because
of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday.
The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale - R.D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine
for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had
the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with
Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!

分类广告

　　星期一分类广告：
廉让：琼斯先生有一台缝纫机求售。晚上七点后请电洽廉价
同居人凯利太太，948-0707。

　　星期二更正启事：
很抱歉，昨天琼斯先生的广告刊登错误。更正如下：琼斯先生
有一台缝纫机廉价求售。请电洽晚上七点后与他同居的凯利
太太，948-0707。

　　星期三更正启事：
琼斯先生通知我们，昨天分类广告刊登错误，导致他接到几通
骚扰电话。更正如下：廉让--琼斯先生有一台缝纫机求售，廉价，
晚上七点后请电洽与他同居的凯利太太，948-0707。

　　星期四警告启事：
我是琼斯本人，我没有缝纫机要出让，我已经把它摔烂了！不要
再打948-0707这支电话，我已经把电话线拔掉了。我和凯利
太太没有私人关系--她是我的管家，不过昨天已经辞职了！

The High Cost of Living

There was once a person who was very stingy.

One day he tried to cross a river by himself,

but he slipped because the current was

extremely strong. And then the current swept

him away, down the middle of the river. So

he shouted, "Can anyone help me? I'll give

you money!"  There was a person on a boat

nearby and he said, "OK. For fifty dollars I'll

help you." But the man in the river replied, "

Fifty dollars! That's too expensive. I'll give

you twenty."  So the person on the boat said,

"No, no, that's too cheap."  By now the man

in the river was trying very hard to breathe

and was even swallowing some of the river

water. So he said, "OK, OK, thirty dollars!"

But the person on the boat said, "No, no.

Forty dollars is my last price."  And the man

in the water said,
"I - I - I'd rather die!"

昂贵的生命

以前有一个人非常吝啬。有一天，他想自己涉水过河，

不料因为水流很急，而失足滑落河里，被河水冲到河

中央。于是他大喊救命：「有谁能救我，我就给他

赏金！」 这时附近正好有一艘小船，船上的人说：

「好！给我五十元，我就救你。」那个溺水的人

却说：「五十元太贵了，给你二十元好了。」

船上的人说：「不行、不行！太少了！」这时，

河里那个人已经呼吸困难，而且又呛了好几口水，

于是他说：「好啦！好啦！那三十元！」船上的

人说：「不行，四十元是最底价！」那个溺水的

人说：「那我…我宁可淹死！」

好玩！

Did You Say Treatment, or Cure?

Two farmers met with each other, and the first one
said, “Didn’t your horse have that disease that
was going around?” The friend replied, “Yes, he
did! He had it bad.” “So, what did you do for
him?” asked the first farmer. “Well, I dosed him
good with a half pint of linseed oil, a tablespoon of
turpentine, and three tablespoons of castor oil.”
A few days later, the two farmers met again. The
first farmer asked his friend, “Didn’t you tell me
you gave your horse a half pint of linseed oil, a
tablespoon of turpentine, and three tablespoons
of castor oil?” The second said, “Yes, I sure did!”
The first farmer exclaimed, “I thought that’s
what you said, but when I gave it to my horse, he
died!” And the friend said,
“Of course! Mine did, too!”


只问方法，不问结果

两个农夫相遇，第一个农夫说：「你的马不是感染了正在
流行的疾病吗？」他的朋友回答：「是啊，它被传染了！
病得很重呢！」第一个农夫又问：「那你怎么照顾它？」
「我喂它喝足了半品脱的亚麻仁油、一大匙松节油和三大
匙蓖麻油。」 过几天后这两个农夫又碰面了，第一个农夫
问他的朋友：「你不是跟我说，你喂你的马喝了半品脱亚
麻仁油、一大匙松节油和三大匙蓖麻油吗？」第二个农夫
说：「是啊，没错！」第一个农夫大声叫道：「我记得你
是这么说的，但是我喂我的马喝下那些东西后，
它却死了！」第二个农夫说：

「这是当然的啦！我的马也死了啊！」

哈哈，笑死我了，昨天用英语给同学讲，本来很好笑的事，但是他却笑不起来，咳，英语不行啊，大家讲这些笑话的时候用英语吗？效果如何阿？其实我同学的英语平时分数也挺高的啊